Letting go; Holding on

/ J. F. Riordan

I’m keeping my nails ridiculously short these days. It’s partly because I am playing the piano again, and partly because getting my nails done bores me. I am at the point in life when I don’t want to waste my time. And I am not trying to impress anybody.

There is a fairly thin line between feeling free to do what you want and letting yourself go. It’s a much thinner line for women than for men. Gray-haired men look distinguished. Gray-haired women usually just look old. I have a friend who decided to stop coloring her hair, and she looks fabulous. Not everyone does.

Most days, when I am at home writing, I still do my hair, wear mascara, and make an effort to look nice. I partly do it so my husband isn’t horrified (not that he would ever say so, even if he was). But I mostly do it for myself. I feel crummy all day if I don’t make some effort, even if it’s not all that noticeable to anyone else.

I have two particular women I always keep in mind as examples. One is someone I knew quite well. She was a friend of my mother’s who lived to be 108. Her name was Blanche, and I got to know her as an adult when we were both docents at a tiny art museum. Even though we worked together, I never dared call her by her first name; it would have been disrespectful. She was an alert and intelligent nonagenarian, and every time I saw her—even at her own home—she was nicely dressed, wearing a touch of makeup and a little bit of jewelry, and looking nicely pulled together. She was never overdone. But she took care.

The other is someone I never even met. Some years ago I was invited to speak at the opening of a museum exhibit. I only knew the curator and some of the museum staff, so after I did my part, I had the pleasure of carrying a glass of champagne while I wandered alone in a gallery of Dutch masters. This, I confess, is just about my favorite thing to do in the world, and I rarely miss an opportunity to hang out at the National Gallery. It soothes me.

But, as usual, I digress.

On my rambles, I noticed an elderly lady being shown around the gallery by one of the museum staff. He was attentive. She was clearly interested. She looked carefully. She asked questions. She spent more than the polite amount of time with the paintings. She was slim, white-haired, and elegantly dressed in black. She projected both strength and grace, while also being impeccably stylish. I asked who she was. She was Roberta McCain, John McCain’s mother.

Later, as I waited for a cab, I watched as one of the valets brought up a tiny hatchback. He handed the keys to Mrs. McCain, and she drove off alone. I don’t know exactly how old she was then, but she, too, lived to be 108.

I think often of these two women: one a small-town girl in Wisconsin, the other the daughter of an oil tycoon, wife of an admiral, and mother of a war hero and senator. What was their secret? Genetics, no doubt, were a factor. But wealth clearly was not. Nor was a life without worry. What kept them going? Faith? Curiosity? Generosity? Friendship? Or just plain stubbornness?

I can’t help thinking that there is a connection between longevity, having interests in larger things, and a willingness to make an effort. And so, I continue to try. I think it is a signal to yourself that you are worthwhile, and that you are not idling somewhere in a back room. You are prepared to meet the world. You are in the world. That matters a lot, I think.

But I also wonder whether art museums are a wellspring of long life. It’s a theory I am happy to test. Any time.

30 thoughts on “Letting go; Holding on”

  2. A dear long-time friend of mine (we stood up in each others’ weddings in 1996) and I often discuss grace and elegance as we look towards the second half of our lives (we are both hovering around an age that has a five in the digits.) We have an informal pact to pursue elegance as we age. I’m going to send her this essay!

    Have you ever heard of the Rule of 14? An old guideline for women’s dressing: count everything you can see (shoes, glasses, watch, pants, bracelet, earrings, etc) and if something is particularly flashy (such as brightly colored glasses or a loud print or a sequined jacket) count it as 2. Never wear more than 14. I’m not a very girly-girl, so for church or a “dressy” event, I end up around 9. Under 6 and I feel sloppy. I knew this was a winning method when a young mom at my church commented that I “always look so pulled together.” Note that she only sees me at church, though. Today I am grocery shopping and am certainly not so pulled together although I will not be sporting Crocs and fleece pajama pants…

    I’m going to go about my errands today imagining that Mrs McCain’s tiny hatchback was stick shift. I have to think that a woman who raised such a man as Senator McCain had more than a bit of moxie.

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  5. Words to live by, JF.
    My eyes are too dry to wear contacts and instead of fumbling with multiple pairs of glasses, I invested (and I use the term advisedly😳) in a pair of tri-focals, which I wear all the time. I don’t think I look terrible. Different but, so what?
    If one more person asks me why I wear glasses…😡

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  7. I can’t express to you how much I look forward to your daily musings. You are inspirational and funny. Meanwhile, I’m going to go put on some makeup and do my hair!

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  8. Roberta McCain was an amazing woman. I never met her, obviously, but John was my senator until he died, and all the McCains were – and remain – a part of Arizona’s political ecosystem. John’s wife, Cindy, had a wonderful role model in Roberta. Cindy has stepped into the political arena, something Roberta didn’t do, but she is following a long McCain family tradition of service to her country, and looking beautiful in the process.

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  9. Thank you so much for this. As an older woman, nearing seventy and recently widowed, I have at times wondered why I bother to put on that bit of eyeliner, touch of lipstick before I go out in the morning to feed my also aging horses. They are happy to see me in any condition, though mostly interested in that bucket of feed! But it is a habit I have tried to keep, for myself. Just feel a bit more together I guess.
    I love your writing, your easy way with words, the humor, I laughed till I cried reading your Christmas tree story. You alway make my day when I see the notification in my email box. I also feel like I know your dogs, through the pictures and how you describe their personalities and moods. Dogs are such wonderful friends. Anxiously awaiting your next book.

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  10. My husband and I kept his 90+ year old aunt with us until her death at 96 years old. I always helped her with her eyebrows and lipstick. My husband didn’t understand why she bothered with it. I told him to be quiet because it made her feel better. She was such a delightful person, and so are you!

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  11. Beautiful little piece. And meaningful to us women of a certain age. As for me, I’m sure I’m not keeping up with the hand age is daily dealing me. But I’m doing my best to run my beautiful Black Papillons. The young one is swift as a deer and I work hard to complement his sweeping turns around the agility course. And to write of course, to write.

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    • You’re keeping active. That is important and most admirable, and I say that sincerely. You are amazing, and don’t forget it! 🙂

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  13. This essay is beautiful. I’m in my 7th decade and I always do my hair and apply makeup whenever I go out. And, I never leave the house without lipstick, even to go get the mail. Weird, I know, but that’s just the way it is. (One never knows if one is going to run into Brad Pitt.🤞🥴). And, I still get my nails done every couple of weeks. It just makes me feel better. So, I say, go for it! I must say, too, I’m impressed that Mrs. McCain drove herself. Good for her! So, keep doing everything you’re doing, Jan. You never know, 108 may be in your future, too.

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  14. Love this essay, so much so that I was inspired to leave replies to a few other readers here who commented. It felt good to compliment and encourage people! My political leanings didn’t always agree with Sen. McCain, but I greatly admired the man and his wife. Now, hearing about his mother, I also very much admire her. I hope you are with us for a very long time, still feeling healthy and wearing that dab of makeup and stylish hair, to continue inspiring your grateful readers. Bless you, Charlie, Auggie and Eli! ❤️

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  16. I am with you on all of this. Curiosity and good grooming contribute to a sense of well being and are helpful as we negotiate the world as “women of a certain age” and beyond. My mother thought good grooming a public service.

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  17. I enjoy your messages very much! May I encourage you to reconsider getting a regular mani/pedi? As a nurse, my nails were always (and still are) very short. Short nails are easier to keep clean. I now get a mani/ pedi every four or five weeks with OPI Bubble Bath. I love the way they look! Plus my heels are so nice and smooth now! You could still play the piano…

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